Elton John - Ice On Fire (1985) Album Score: 7

I guess this is where the '80s truly began to gobble up and malign Elton John. Not that '80s-fied Elton John can't be enjoyable --- he's continuing to write nice melodies. I guess Elton John was going through some horrible personal crises around this time that was trying to get sorted out. His cocaine addiction was horrible, of course, but he was also married to his former sound engineer, which would soon come to an end after four short years because he's not really heterosexual.

Unfortunately, all that fun I had listening to his previous release Breaking Hearts is barely even here. The best moments from the album are in the bonus tracks, the live versions of songs from his back catalogue. That's usually not a good sign. Nothing on the album is infectious or memorable whatsoever. The major saving grace is that John's melody writing skills were still pretty formidable, so very few of these songs are irritatingly bland.

It's the production is usually awful, and he didn't have his old band backing him up anymore. The result unfortunately was that he ended up succumbing to the usual '80s-production that nearly destroyed other artists like Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan. The only reason it took this long (1985) to tug at Elton John was because he refused to give up his time-tested '70s formula. Well, he's still sticking to that formula for the most part --- it's just that the production is worse and more unimaginitve than usual. The exception is the truly dismal funk-pop "Wrap Her Up," a train wreck duet with George Michaels. That's not even the worst song of the album ... "Too Young," featuring some members of Queen, takes that cake. That track is unbelievably bad in almost unspeakable ways. Seriously...................

The good songs aren't really that good. The best would have to be the opening track "This Town," which is a semi-disco dance number that doesn't come close to being as infectious as anything on Breaking Hearts. The "Crocodile Rock" clone "Tell Me What the Papers Say" has that same carefree vibe but not the infectious melody. "Cry to Heaven" is the best example of a ballad, but the goofy '80s synthesizer embellishments didn't do it any favors.

All in all, this might be a disappointing album, but I could certainly fathom an album that's much worse for '80s Elton John. After all, this is significantly better than Victim of Love ... not that achieving that was a difficult feat...

TRACKS

This Town 8.5/10

Hey, I guess if you're going to make '80s pop music, you'd might as well do it something like this. Well, actually, it's pretty similar to the music he made in his previous album except not quite as infectious. It's an upbeat tune with some severe disco leanings. He brings in an '80s synth effect that sounds like a ball bearing rolling around a wooden floor. And this song wouldn't have been complete without a cheesy sax solo... Really, this song is kind of fun.

Cry to Heaven 8/10

He's cutting to the ballads pretty quickly in this album, but this track isn't bad at all. It's over-dramatic and cheesy, but you kind of expect that. At least the principle instrument is a real piano, and the synthesizers are only used as embellishments and synthscapes. Granted, these go a little bit too far sometimes, but it's not bad at all. Most importantly, I like the melody.

Soul Glove 7/10

What a, um, funny song title. This one's not too bad, but the ultra-polished and streamlined tendencies of Elton John really begin to hurt here, and it doesn't have a hopelessly catchy melody to hide behind. This is nice enough to bob your head to agreeably, but it's as empty as a glove's soul.

Nikita 6.5/10

OK, this is where it starts getting bad. Nobody wanted Elton John to sound like Spandau Ballet, but here he is doing just that. Fortunately, this is quite a bit more tolerable than "True" so it has a greater value than a horse turd. I like the melody though he seems to repeat the same thing over and over that it gets bland. The cutesy groove is barely worth anything, but at least I can fathom something worse as far as '80s lite-pop goes. Despite that, I kind of like that goofy, pseudo-classical synth solo, but I doubt most audiences would feel the same about it! (Interesting that "Nikita" was later revealed to be a man, and the song borrows a lyrical theme from David Bowie about forbidden romance at the Berlin Wall.)

Too Young 5/10

This actually makes the previous song sound kind of good. This one tries to be a sort of arena anthem rocker featuring stripped down orchestration but a drum that's louder than the voice. (Though it's not a "pompous drum," which might have been fun in a kitschy way, but it's a sickening drum machine sound. Apparently Roger Taylor from Queen is responsible for this.) Elton's melody was OK, but the production was so far wrong that it's hardly even listenable.

Wrap Her Up 6/10

The '80s engulf Elton John completely in here, which for the first time since Victim of Love, there is absolutely NO '70s Elton John influence here. This is just a typical '80s faux-funk, pop song. The groove is bland and meaningless, and the melody is worthless. Elton John's performance is weak in the mix --- he wasn't listening to enough Eurythmics records to see how this sort of thing is done right. This is another proof that he should just stick to his formula. The fact that Elton felt the need to extend this well past six minutes while rattling off whatever classic Hollywood actresses come to mind makes it even that much more horrible.

Satellite 7/10

I'm not going to complain much about the production even though it's uninspired as '80s pop music gets. This starts off as robotic and meaningless --- you wonder if it's even going to go anywhere, but then Elton starts singing what sounds like a genuinely wonderful melody. Why couldn't he have gotten a decent producer? The melodies are certainly alright!

Tell Me What the Papers Say 8/10

Every time this song pops up, I'm immediately reminded of "Crocodile Rock," and I don't think that's a coincidence. The first and most obvious hint is he uses the same type of synthesizer. Secondly, this is a poppy and upbeat song that's vaguely tied to '50s music. Sort of a return to basics for him that's not exactly bad to hear. Of course, the melody is nowhere near as infectious, but it's a fun track regardless.

Candy By the Pound 7/10

Those incessant, droning drum machines for this song make this one of the most annoying songs on the planet. Drum machines can be pretty fun sometimes, but that's usually when a real drum sound wouldn't have been better. This is pretty similar to Elton's '70s formula, and he didn't need drum machines back then. So why spoil it??

Shoot Down the Moon 8/10

And this poo album is finally to an end with this track that's actually not too horrible. It's a nice attempt at a passionate ballad except lyricist Bernie Taupin almost singlehandedly ruins his reputation with these cliche-ridden lyrics. (I pick a fine time to begin listening to the lyrics, eh?) John's melody is quite good I think, and he tries his hardest to be dramatic. This sounds like a mid-quality contemporary Broadway tune (appropriate that he would write some mid-quality Broadway musicals later on). The production is smart enough to not spoil everything except the cheap synthscape is admittedly awful.

BONUS TRACKS:

These bonus tracks aren't much, but they're appreciated all the same. The first one is "The Man Who Never Died," an instrumental that sounds more like ultra-polished backing music than a true instrumental. I guess you can make up your own Elton John melody to sing with this. If you're weird.

Here's a cool live version of "Restless (live)" from his more superior Breaking Hearts album. This song rocks, and it's far better than anything on this album. Even this spirited live rendition (even though the studio version is superior).

"Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word (live)" also isn't as good as the studio version from Elton's classic years, but this is also better than anything on the regular album. So... that's cool... It's just a heartfelt Elton singing with a piano. That's all we asked for.

And finally, there's "I'm Still Standing (live)," which is MUCH sloppier than the studio version. This is more muddled than fun, which it shouldn't have been. We can barely hear Elton's vocals...